A smoker’s manifesto

A (non) smoker’s manifesto on why I smoke and why I don’t

Smoking is a problem, and nicotine is a drug.
Smoking is hot, and nicotine is a cheap dopamine.

This is the mind set that leads me to the first cigarette, both of them together.
But what makes me continue, for a pack, then another, is different.

Why I smoke

When the sky begins to darken, and the air outside tastes bluish chill, I’ll be against the balcony railing. ‘Click’, light a cigarette. I try not to inhale too deeply on the first drag — I let the smoke drift out, thick and clouded. The cigarette rests between my lips. Sometimes I take a slow pull, exhaling in a long, loose stream. Sometimes I hold it between my fingers, tapping the ash away. I can look at the people walking on the street below, or the distant windows of tall buildings, or the shifting clouds and colors in the sky. But more often, I look at my own hands, at the posture of my legs and hips, at my reflection in the glass — the face holding a cigarette, beautiful.

Smoking is the solution. And I believe lot of young smokers feel me.
The solution to life. Anxiety, existence, oppression, confusion, unplug, rest. Not only a nine minutes break from anything, but a state of existence. A self image.

Okay, self image is just speaking for myself.

I’m in my era of confusion, on who I am, and who I wanna be. I explore by experiment with everything. Following my gut instinct. I tried writing, a band, making game and making not-so-game game. I tried non-creative activities - cycling, watch movies, talk to random strangers, lying on my bed all day for weeks. And there comes the more dangerous practices.

Sex, cult movies, alchohol, gums, cigarette. You could tell I’m traumatized, and adolescence. I tried therapy, but it’s not as effective as writing diary and watching psychology explainer videos. In the end of the world, I need to love myself.

Cigarette though, doesn’t feel such love-yourself activity. No doubt every. single. sip. hurts you physically, and if you developed a nicotine dependence you suffer mentally. I'm not clearly sure on how it eventually helps my mental health. In short, It makes me feel cool. Wang Xiaobo said, "Smoking doesn't make me smarter — it just makes me look smart.” Smoking is a ritual. As a posture of solitude, it is both an act of consumption and a quiet performance. I’m performing the great artist I wanna be. But it’s just mocking, coping, before I figure out what I really want - my desire.